Songs

Stonks Only Go Up

I've been a Reddit user for a long time (/u/devospice) and some time last year I discovered the /r/wallstreetbets community where people talk about stocks that they think are going to go up and partake in highly risky investments. It's called "bets" for a reason.

Last fall someone said that GameStop (GME) had been shorted by 160% and that since demand was going to outstrip supply when the shorts came due this was going to drive the price up. This made sense to me so I bought some shares. Last month the price of GameStop spiked so much it got national attention and is now being investigated by the SEC. One hedge fund who had shorted GameStop ended up losing over $20 billion on their investment.

The people of /r/wallstreetbets are a special breed. They describe themselves as "smooth brained apes" who YOLO money they can't afford to lose on the dumbest investments they can find in the hopes that it will make them rich. For some, it has. For others, not so much. People routinely post "loss porn" on the site showing how much their portfolio has gone down. But thanks to these idiots my meager portfolio is up about 500% so I figured I at least owed them a song.

Lyrics

Go! Go!

[chorus 1]
Nothin’ but rockets, they only go up
Only go up
Stonks only go up
Stonks only go up
Sometimes they go down but they only go up

[verse 1]
They shorted all the stock, hoping that it fell (that it fell)
But Reddit runs the game, though they can’t spell (can’t spell)
Diamond hands holding, we ain’t never sellin’ (never sellin’)
I got twelve shares, I’m the Rebellion (vvvhhoooom!)
Got AMC, Nokia, and GameStop, and watch ‘em go up!
Smooth-brained apes trying to live the dream (dream!)
Buy whichever stock makes the best meme (huh?)
Possibly the dumbest get-rich-quick scheme

[chorus 2]
They only go up
They only go up
Stonks only go up
Stonks only go up
Nothin’ but rockets, they only go up

[verse 2]
I’m on Reddit holding Palentir and Blackberry (oh!)
We got diamonds for balls ‘cause it is that scary (oh!)
Am I a force to be feared when I attack? Very!
I just YOLO’d the rest of my 401k
And we’ll see what that brings
You lost twenty billion? Ooh, I bet that stings
My stock’s taking off like it got new wings
Going ten rounds when I hear that bell ring
And it only goes up
And then it stays up
And if you ask anybody about the stock
Just point to the moon and say

[chorus 3]
It’s all the way up
It’s all the way up
Stonks only go up
This isn’t advice
Don’t listen to me, but they only go up

[verse 3]
I bought twenty million shares worth of MoviePass
Cost thirty-five bucks and it’s moving fast
With more kick to it than a smoothie has
But these hedge funds are more devious than head nuns
In 08, bailed out, we got the shaft
But if I lose money the economy don’t crash
And now you’re butthurt, losing to an amateur
Money printer goes BRRRRRR
That means it’s all the way up
It’s all the way up
My buddy says I can’t go wrong so I bought Blockbuster
Ooh, we dumb

[chorus 4]
But they only go up
Go all the way up
Stonks only go up
Stonks only go up
Sometimes they go down but they only go up

It’s all you can eat at the Warren Buffet!